A Private Affair

So every one who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven; but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.

Matthew 10:32-33
Revised Standard Version

Got a verbal job offer. Happy Easter! #resurrection #divinecomedy

In case I missed it…

The gospel is a rupture, monkey wrench, an assault on evil and lies and the powers of darkness that imprison all of God’s beloved children.

The gospel is not ‘Sophia’ ‘sophisticated.’ It is a violent bloody spectacle that reveals the bankruptcy of conventional thinking and worldly wisdom. It is utter foolishness…and an escape hatch from the misery of the human condition and existential despair.

My Lord and my God.

part of a letter from Saint Paul that I just remembered about

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. We have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways; we refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God’s word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the likeness of God. For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For it is the God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, to show that the transcendent power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For while we live we are always being given up to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we too believe, and so we speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed every day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

my Kingdom come, my will be done, in heaven as it is on earth

As some may know, I am unemployed.  Macroeconomic factors have massively affected the job market in the technology sector.  For my role in particular demand has gone from first to worst.  I am thankful that–in large part due to this Henri Nouwen video–that I had already disentangled my sense of self-worth and identity from my career (if that word career really means anything anymore or ever did…it is largely a cultural artifact of industrialization and urbanization.)  I have been trying to approach this situation responsibly and prayerfully–consulting with trusted and knowledgeable people and keeping an open mind about how God is leading me.  

I continue to look to the example of Saint Joseph as a model of balancing family responsibilities and spiritual life.  But I have been carrying this cross of unemployment for many months now.  I have tried to approach this situation from a place of surrender and trust–rather than frantic activity and fear.  

But I was praying the rosary today during a moment of quiet and something kind of clicked.  I have been in a place where I am trying to do what God calls me to do moment by moment and at the same time–

trying to listen to what kinds of jobs God wants me to look for and not look for and what I should do about that and who I should reach out to and when I should try to find extra quiet time to really really listen to God about a specific question or action item or missing piece of information that I am waiting on in order to keep doing His will as it relates to my job search.  Sometimes this is accompanied by fleeting speculation about God potentially wanting to radically change our family’s long-term financial situation in order to teach us some kind of spiritual lesson.  Then I would have more thoughts about trusting my family into God’s hands while also thinking about my role in that as a provider–am I doing enough of my part to provide or to try to provide–to prevent any unnecessary suffering for my family, while still maintaining faith that God would ultimately provide for them even if I failed.  

But when I got to the first “our father” in the rosary…which is the Lord’s prayer…something clicked.   

Here is the Lord’s prayer:

Pray then like this:

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread;

And forgive us our debts,

As we also have forgiven our debtors;

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

Matthew 6:9-13

Revised Standard Version

“Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.”

“Thy will be done.”  

“Thy will be done.”  Full stop.  Including a full stop of the analysis.

In other words, I just need to focus on following God’s will.  That’s it.  I don’t need to be a project manager of God’s will.  If there is one thing that I have learned about walking with God it is that all information is given on a need-to-know basis.  

(Cf.  Matthew 10:19-20 RSV

“When they deliver you up, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.”)

I am a part of a much larger story–God’s story–and I’m not the center of it.  I don’t need to–and it’s impossible to–figure it all out.  

My job is to listen to what God says and then do it.  Of course, easier said than done.  But God is aware of that too.  He is aware of all of my human frailty, ignorance, bias, selfishness, greed, ego-centrism, woundedness, exhaustion, etc. etc.  (It’s almost as if for God that is a feature not a bug.)  

It’s like I’m saying to God–ok God…here are the two types of jobs that I think that I need to go after based on my background and the job market.  Here is a status update on my activity against those two goals, along with a report of other avenues/roles that I have pursued and a report on why I have decided to stop on those fronts.  (Although there was that one front that I had decided to stop on that I worked a little bit more on this past week, but I’m pretty sure that I should not pursue that one further after all.)  Now God please inform me of how you are going to open up more opportunities under each of these objectives, and I will make sure that I really listen on that item so that I make sure that I hear from you God on how you are going to check the box on this portion of my plan.  

Here I am Lord…ready to obey your will–as it relates to your part of my plan.  

Well when I realized that I definitely got some comic relief.  And I’m sure that God did too.  Thy will be done.  Full stop.  It’s a radical way to live.  And often lonely.  (That’s why the Body of Christ, the Church, fellow Christians are so important–not only to encourage me/us, but to keep me/us grounded.)  I don’t have to project manage how God is going to do His part to complete my plan–even if my plan is not a cartoonish attempt to take over the world, seeking fame and fortune, etc.  I just have to do God’s will as best as I can, in the context of my church community–taking care to avoid people-pleasing and accepting advice without testing it critically (h/t Thomas Hopko).  Do God’s will this moment.  And this moment.  And this moment.  And let the chips fall.  And speaking of chips falling, I need to go clean up the kitchen. 

Dead end. Turn around.

So I was out for a morning walk today and praying the rosary and I got to the part about the ascension of of Jesus into heaven and I started cogitating on it and analyzing it–I mean obviously we (seemingly secretly–but in reality obviously–prideful and puffed up) theology geeks know that the cosmology (isn’t that an in-the-know term?) of the ancient world is old hat.  Naturally we are aware of books that seek to educate our brothers and sisters in Christ about a “one story universe” or that wax philosophical about complex dialogues between theologians and scientists including admonitions about the proper “domain” and “purpose” of religious texts vs. scientific texts.  I was trying to figure it out again.  If Jesus isn’t “up there” does that mean He is in a parallel dimension next to me–a sort of “invisible friend”?  What does that mean for my life?  And then I got knocked upside the head by that verse in Acts:   

“When he had said this, as they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him from their sight. While they were looking intently at the sky as he was going, suddenly two men dressed in white garments stood beside them.  They said, ‘Men of Galilee, why are you standing there looking at the sky? This Jesus who has been taken up from you into heaven will return in the same way as you have seen him going into heaven.’”

Acts 1:9-11

New American Bible (Revised Edition)

“why are you standing there looking at the sky?”  That’s exactly what I was doing.  I was falling into the same old trap of trying to analyze and figure it out with my brain rather than listening to the Holy Spirit with my heart.  (Although earlier in my journey that was really all I could do given my emotional wounds–something pointed out to me by a fellow traveler.)  I was doing the spiritual and existential equivalent of staring at the sky–as if my finite brain had the answer.  As if an “answer” that I could wrap my mind around is what I need–or could do me any good–anyway.  I need and will always need Something bigger than I am–who became smaller than I am–in order to heal me and resurrect me and ascend me too.  I need to become smaller than I am–scratch that–I need to recognize how small and wounded I already am–so that the great physician can heal me and transform me and incorporate me into His body.  Or in other words, I need to catch up with my brothers and sisters in Christ who are already doing that–let Christ heal me through their love, and stop staring at the sky and join them on the journey.   

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks on Doubt

preemptive defensiveness via non-defensiveness

When asked why he never defended himself against the many accusations regarding some of his writings, Father Matta El-Meskeen replied,”Did you read the Exposition of the Gospel of John and benefit from it? … My son I won’t spend my time replying to anyone, but, my son, I will die and they will die and the Church will remain, as well as what we offered to her, and the next generations will judge us.”

Damn Sr. Vassa. That was a good one.

NOT GETTING WHAT YOU LONG FOR

(Tuesday, October 22)

“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who longed to satisfy his hunger with what fell from the rich man’s table; even the dogs would come and lick his sores. The poor man died and was carried away by the angels to be with Abraham. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was being tormented, he looked up and saw Abraham far away with Lazarus by his side…” (Lk 16: 19-23)

The “rich man” in this parable has no name, while the “poor man” is dignified with a name, Lazarus. Why? Because Lazarus has an identity, having become himself, and self-aware, through his “hunger” that he “longed to satisfy,” but couldn’t, as he lacked the friends and resources to do so; that is to say, through recognizing his human powerlessness. Lazarus has become himself, the “somebody” alive to God that he was meant to be, by slowly dying to the things and people that he longed for in this life. Conversely, the “rich man,” who never “longed” or wanted for anything, because he “feasted sumptuously every day” of his life, never got to know himself, or to become himself, through any painful recognition of what he lacked, because he never lacked anything and just took it all for granted. That’s why he is nameless in this parable.

Let me take pause today and be grateful for the things I have longed for, but was not given, because the “not” getting what I wanted has helped me understand where I’m meant to be, and who I am, in God’s eyes. I have been denied certain things and certain people that did not “fit” with me, even if I wanted them or their friendship, and this has, at times, been painful. But through it all, I am guided to become who I am, in God’s loving vision and purpose for me. O Lord, “lead us not into temptation,” amidst any of our wants and longings, “but deliver us” to be with You, where we are meant to be, according to Your vision and purpose.