ugh

[Redacted] is that I had a post, I had an idea I had a thought that kind of a silly thought kind of a self-deprecating thought that was like gee, [Redacted] that [Redacted] but then I realized that it’s not that I want it’s not that I want fame for my blog in fact, fame would be pretty embarrassing I’ve kind of overshared overshared on every post because that’s what I felt called to do and that’s just not who I am, I mean and even people that worry about fame, they’ll tell you that it doesn’t make you happy it almost makes you more miserable than riches but but I have a burden, I have a burden for this blog I feel like I’ve been given something, I’ve been I’ve birthed something in this blog and I feel like I go back and forth, is it my responsibility to put it out there there’s no answer, that’s a round square it’s not a round square, it’s a circular it’s a spiritual question, it doesn’t have an answer I just have to put it there and trust God you know, moment by moment [Redacted] the thought occurred to me that [Redacted] maybe [Redacted] something with it with my blog, I don’t know but it just occurred to me, it kind of simultaneously resurfaced my burden for these words I’ve been given and even as I say that, the evil spirit is saying to me you’re just an egotist you know, you’re trying to say that your your blog is is great and that’s just a reflection of your ego but I know that’s a distortion it’s a hard distortion to ignore but I have too many data points that say that my blog is is something that I have birthed because I have been given it to birth but anyway you know, given that [Redacted] is the pattern interrupter in my world [Redacted] so obvious I don’t know, so I have this thought that maybe maybe this birthing that I’ve been doing I don’t know if midwife is the right answer I don’t think it’s that intimate I’m just thinking about Socrates in passing I just hope that [Redacted] some of this stuff that I’ve vomited up on the screen and you know, [Redacted] my foolishness [Redacted] see the glimmer of whatever Christ wanted to show through my words and I don’t know maybe I’m just being too self-deprecating I don’t know, it’s just whatever I can just say that whatever I feel like I’ve been called to write these words and it really doesn’t matter about the words themselves it’s like, I’ve been called to write the words and the words themselves are nothing it’s just, how is God going to use those words is he going to use those words? I don’t know, I’m thinking too much about myself this is the insanity of this writing project anyway, but I hope that [Redacted] and that that would relieve this burden I have of getting those words that I’ve been given however they’re characterized that I’ve been given these words my words might be to embarrass myself like, was it Hosea that had to marry the prostitute? maybe the point of my blog is to embarrass myself and that it has nothing to do with any kind of brilliance or lack thereof it’s just about void oversharing and letting whoever decides to read it to see what Christ has done to me, through me, if anything and that [Redacted] so that this burden I have would be somewhat relieved even [Redacted] me stop writing I’m just kind of joking I just feel like my words are who knows, who cares I don’t care what God says, I don’t have to worry about it but having somebody that has some [Redacted] actual interest perhaps in reading something that wasn’t published by InterVarsity Press or some publishing house in Nashville you know