Your raw and honest expression of pain, disillusionment, and exhaustion resonates deeply with themes explored by Boyd Camak in the sources, particularly his candid acknowledgments of suffering and the difficult realities of human existence.
Here’s how Boyd Camak might respond to your feelings, drawing on his unique blend of existentialist Christianity and Catholic tradition:
- Acknowledgement of Profound Suffering and Disillusionment: Camak would likely validate your experience of pain and the belief that “something is deeply deeply wrong about the human experience”. He recognizes that “life already is hell” and that life will “crucify” a person every day. His own writings reflect a “weariness with the brokenness of the world” and grapple with disappointment and despair, describing himself as a “hypocrite with logs in my eyes”. He does not “sugarcoat his experiences” or offer “philosophical platitudes or intellectual arguments”. He acknowledges “the tragic and the absurd and the evil” aspects of life.
- Redefining “Hope” Beyond Worldly Expectations: Your feeling of “24 years of holding out for hope, despite it repeatedly being crushed under His worlds boot” speaks to what Camak identifies as “traditional hope,” which is focused on expected positive outcomes and worldly solutions and can be detrimental. He argues that this kind of hope “brings stress and bitterness and resentment” and can lead to telling God to “fuck off because it ain’t working”. Instead, Camak suggests relinquishing this worldly hope and embracing the reality of suffering and the “word of the cross”. For him, “true hope and victory lie not in our understanding or efforts to ‘gin up’ a happy ending,” but in “trusting in God’s unexpected and incomprehensible resurrection power” that breaks through suffering. He sees the resurrection as the “source of hope” and a “new beginning,” but this isn’t about escaping the reality of living in a “tragic world”.
- God’s Extreme Love and the True Gospel: You mention not caring “if God is really love or not” due to the pain. Camak offers a radical perspective on God’s love, stating that the gospel is about the “extreme, even ‘insane, psychotic’ lengths God goes to demonstrate His love for humanity”. He emphasizes that this is God’s “active rescue” of individuals from the human condition by taking it on Himself. God “demonstrates His love in His own flesh and blood,” even being “willing to be killed by His own children” to show this love. The crucial point for Camak is that “no matter how much ‘shit happens,’ it cannot erase God’s love for us”. He explicitly rejects the “anti-gospel” that portrays God as an angry deity who demands agreement before begrudgingly letting people into heaven, calling such ideas “ridiculous” and a “lie” that “good pastors, good theologians don’t need”.
- The Path of the Cross and Internal Freedom: You state that “all I care about anymore is the end to my suffering.” Camak would suggest that “you can’t run away from pain. There’s no way to avoid it. And if you do try to avoid it, it just makes more pain”. Instead, he asserts that “the way to live is the way of the cross”. This means “embracing our crosses” and connecting your personal suffering to the suffering of Christ. He believes that this “real-time sharing” experience can bring “cleansing” and allow “Christ’s light to shine”. This approach leads to “internal liberation from external threats,” enabling individuals to face challenges with peace, joy, and self-possession, rather than a removal of the problems themselves. Jesus offers “rest” to those with heavy burdens, which is not necessarily “ease” but a profound inner peace found by placing “God’s love first”.
- Addressing Self-Hatred and the Imperfection of Humanity: Your feelings of “People are rotten to their core. Most are self serving hypocrites. All do not care. I hate this planet. I hate God for making me. I hate human nature. I hate myself for not being ‘good’ enough to compete in this sick, twisted world” are directly addressed by Camak. He consistently refers to himself as a “hypocrite with logs in my eyes”, acknowledging the pervasive human imperfection. He also notes that “God loves all of us” and “we’re all part of the human family—doing the best we can—some wisely, some not”. Importantly, Camak emphasizes that you “don’t have to prove ourselves. We are already loved by God”. He suggests that true repentance is not about “doing” something to earn forgiveness, but “realizing and claiming that God has already forgiven us, enabling us to walk free from guilt, shame, and fear”. He would encourage you to choose “love over bitterness and vengeance” as the way to escape the “hell of life”.
In essence, Camak would likely tell you that your pain is real and understandable given the human condition, but true freedom and rest come not from escaping that pain or earning God’s love, but from trusting in God’s already demonstrated, extreme love, and embracing the suffering of life by connecting it to Christ’s own experience on the cross. This is the “counterintuitive way” to peace and joy amidst the absurdity.
Condensed version:
Boyd Camak offers a unique and direct perspective on Christian faith, especially for those experiencing deep pain and disillusionment. When facing difficult emotions and situations, he might offer the following insights:
- Acknowledge Your Pain Directly: Camak understands that life can be profoundly challenging, stating that “life already is hell” and that it will “crucify” you daily. He doesn’t offer “sugarcoated” explanations or philosophical platitudes; instead, he emphasizes the importance of facing the brutal truth of your experience head-on, recognizing that avoiding pain only tends to create more.
- Redefine Hope Beyond Easy Outcomes: It’s common to hope for problems to disappear or for life to become easy. However, Camak suggests that this “traditional hope” can lead to stress and bitterness when it’s repeatedly crushed. He advocates for a different kind of hope: trusting in “God’s unexpected and incomprehensible resurrection power” that can break through suffering, rather than expecting a quick escape from a “tragic world”.
- Embrace God’s Extreme Love: When you feel like God might not care, Camak’s message highlights that the gospel reveals the “extreme, even ‘insane, psychotic’ lengths God goes to demonstrate His love for humanity”. This love is about God actively rescuing us from the human condition by experiencing it Himself, proving that no matter how much “shit happens,” it cannot erase God’s love for you. This isn’t about pleasing an angry God, but about recognizing His unconditional love.
- Find Internal Freedom Through Suffering: Camak suggests that instead of running from pain, the “way to live is the way of the cross”. This means connecting your personal suffering to the suffering of Christ. This “real-time sharing” can lead to “cleansing” and “internal liberation from external threats,” such as fear, shame, or manipulation, leading to peace and self-possession even when outward circumstances remain difficult. Jesus offers “rest” for heavy burdens, which is an inner peace rather than necessarily an ease of life.
- You Are Already Loved and Worthy: If you struggle with self-hatred or feel inadequate, Camak explicitly acknowledges his own imperfections by referring to himself as a “hypocrite with logs in my eyes”. He assures that “God loves all of us” and “we’re all part of the human family—doing the best we can”. You “don’t have to prove ourselves. We are already loved by God”. True repentance, for him, is not about earning forgiveness but “realizing and claiming that God has already forgiven us, enabling us to walk free from guilt, shame, and fear”. He encourages choosing “love over bitterness and vengeance” as a path out of life’s “hell”.
In essence, Camak’s message for a young person enduring hardship is that their pain is real and acknowledged, and that true freedom and peace come not from avoiding suffering, but from embracing it by connecting it to Christ’s experience, trusting in God’s immense and unwavering love, and letting go of the need to prove your worth. This is what he calls the “counterintuitive way” to joy amidst life’s absurdities.
Boyd Camak 