Notes to Self

Based on Boyd Camak’s own writings—specifically his guides for job seekers, his reflections on “productivity systems,” and his theology of the “empty cup”—here is what he would say to himself in a state of burnout and unemployment.

1. “Stop the Analysis. Full Stop.”

Camak would immediately instruct himself to cease trying to “project manage God’s will.”

The Message: He would remind himself that the governing principle of the job search must be: “‘Thy will be done.’ Full stop. Including a full stop of the analysis.”

The Logic: He would argue that trying to figure out the complete plan is a trap of “worldly wisdom” that leads to anxiety. Instead, he must focus only on “sowing seeds”—reaching out and applying—without attachment to the harvest, trusting that necessary information comes on a “need-to-know basis.”

2. “Your Productivity System Failed Because Life is a Torrent”

He would validate his feeling of being overwhelmed, noting that productivity systems (like Getting Things Done) assume a stable life that no longer exists.

The Diagnosis: He would tell himself that his burnout isn’t a failure of discipline; it is a “diagnosis” of the conflict between “Mammon” (endless extraction/output) and the Kingdom.

The Reality: Life arrives as a “torrent” of crises and obligations that “exceeds what most systems can meaningfully contain.” When facing chronic uncertainty (like unemployment), “technique dries out” and only “Grace preserves.”

3. “Pour from the Empty Cup”

Contrary to self-help advice that says “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” Camak’s theology asserts that he must pour from an empty cup because that is what Jesus did on the Cross.

The Theology: He would tell himself: “You are an empty cup. And I don’t have any alternative… We have to pour from an empty cup. That is what we have to do.”

The Hope: The “resurrection power” flows specifically through that self-emptying (kenosis). He would encourage himself that surviving the day while empty is a participation in the divine life, not a failure of spiritual resource management.

4. “Look at St. Joseph, Not the Ladder”

He would advise himself to abandon the “cultural artifact” of a career and look to St. Joseph as the model for masculine strength in crisis.

The Model: St. Joseph didn’t have a “5-year plan”; he had to flee to Egypt in the middle of the night and find work in a foreign land to protect his family.

The Instruction: Do the “mundane” and “unglamorous” work—packing lunches, changing diapers, sending emails—because that uncelebrated fidelity is the actual vocation, not the job title.

5. “Don’t Make It Worse”

In the face of an unsolvable problem (the “Rubik’s cube that changes colors”), his advice is to stop frantic fixing.

The Prayer: Shift the prayer from “What should I do?” to “How should I be?”

The Discipline: If acting will only increase the chaos, the faithful act is to “sit with it and be crucified” and wait for the “still small voice” to give the next specific step, rather than trying to force a solution.

6. “You Are Not Failing; You Are at the Baseline”

Finally, he would remind himself that being unemployed and burned out isn’t a deviation from the good life; it is the “baseline” of human existence.

The Reframe: He would say, “I am co-crucified with Christ every goddamn moment of the day.”

The Comfort: Trophies and accolades are “empty things” that end up in the trash. “Falling below the line” of success is actually where God is found, and where he is “safe, loved, [and] matter[s]” regardless of the job market.

Summary to Self:

“You feel like you are drowning because you are drowning. Grab the life ring (the Gospel). Stop trying to understand the hydrodynamics of the water. Sow the seeds, do the dishes, ignore the ‘worldly wisdom’ that says you are behind, and trust that the ‘dead man on a tree’ is in the trenches with you.”

The Torrent and the Anchor: Why Productivity Systems Failed — and What That Failure Might Be Pointing Toward

Productivity systems often stop working.

Sometimes the collapse is sudden. Sometimes it’s gradual enough to be mistaken for personal failure. Sometimes the system appears to function for years before quietly giving way under conditions it was never designed to hold.

In some cases, the problem is not misuse or lack of discipline. It’s that the system itself rests on assumptions that no longer match the shape of everyday life—if they ever did.

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The Promise Beneath the System

Most modern productivity frameworks share a quiet premise:

that life becomes manageable once it is organized correctly.

Make everything visible. Break it down. Prioritize. Execute.

When this works, it produces relief—sometimes even hope. The sense that anxiety can be tamed through technique. That clarity is a matter of process. That the self can stand above the demands of life and impose order through sufficient rigor.

This premise holds best under specific conditions: stable schedules, predictable energy, limited interruption, problems that resolve rather than persist. In those environments, structure can be genuinely helpful.

But many lives do not unfold there.

At a certain point, the central question shifts. It is no longer How can this be managed more efficiently? but something closer to What is actually being asked of me here, now, with the limits that exist?

That question does not translate easily into workflows or task hierarchies.

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Life as Torrent

Modern life does not arrive in discrete, processable units.

It arrives as a torrent.

Messages, obligations, crises, requests—often layered, often simultaneous, often unresolved—move faster than reflection can keep pace. The volume alone exceeds what most systems can meaningfully contain.

This shows up even among highly competent people. Executives, professionals, caregivers—many move from meeting to meeting, inbox to inbox, decision to decision, not because of disorganization or laziness, but because the inputs never stop long enough for discernment to catch up.

The Desert Fathers anticipated something like this:

“A time is coming when people will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying, ‘You are mad; you are not like us.’”

In a culture structured around reaction, pause appears irresponsible.

In an economy that equates worth with output, restraint looks like failure.

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When the Systems Break

Getting Things Done was published in 2001.

The iPhone arrived five years later.

The information environment these systems were designed for no longer exists. But the deeper mismatch is not merely technological—it is anthropological.

Many productivity systems assume a self capable of standing above life, surveying it, and bringing it into order through technique. Control is treated as both goal and virtue.

That assumption collapses when life introduces realities that cannot be optimized away:

• chronic illness
  
• disability
  
• caregiving
  
• grief
  
• moral injury
  
• permanent uncertainty
  

Some suffering does not resolve. Some wounds do not close. Some lives are shaped irrevocably by limits that no amount of organization can remove.

At that point, technique dries out.

Grace preserves.

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The Conflict That Cannot Be Organized Away

Jesus names a reality productivity culture avoids:

“You cannot serve both God and mammon.”

Not should not.

Cannot.

This is not moral exhortation. It is diagnosis.

Mammon names a system of extraction—endless productivity, constant availability, measurable output. It takes everything offered and demands more tomorrow.

The Kingdom operates differently. Seek first the Kingdom, and these things will be added. Not optimized. Not earned. Added.

This does not promise ease. It signals a shift in center of gravity.

Saint Joseph did not manage his way out of danger. He responded. He listened. He fled in the night without a transition plan or framework to justify the disruption.

Most lives will not involve flight into Egypt. But the same tension appears daily: the world’s metrics versus what actually matters. Production versus presence. Control versus trust.

These cannot be balanced indefinitely.

A choice is always being made.

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What This Looks Like on the Ground

A small notebook helps.

Lists help.

Structure still has a place.

And then reality intervenes.

Plans shift. Energy runs out. Someone needs attention. Something breaks. Decisions are made imperfectly, in motion, without full clarity.

At certain moments, it becomes possible—briefly—to pause and ask a simpler question than What should be done next?

What is actually being asked of me right now?

Not by the system.

Not by the culture.

But by the life immediately present.

Sometimes the answer is clear. Often it is not. Movement happens anyway, guided less by certainty than by intention. Fidelity replaces mastery.

This way of living is slower. Messier. Less impressive.

It does not produce inbox zero.

But it preserves presence.

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The Cross as Anchor

Some problems are not solvable.

That does not make them meaningless.

The cross is not a solution to suffering. It is God’s refusal to abandon the unsolvable parts of it.

To stand at the foot of the cross is not to fix anything. It is to attach wounds to Christ’s wounds and remain human in a world that rewards disintegration.

Wounded apples must be dipped in honey—not dried out and optimized.

Grace is not a technique. It does not replace clinical care. It names a different category of healing, one that begins precisely where checklists end.

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Observations, Not Prescriptions

• The sense of not keeping up may be a reasonable response to unreasonable demands.
  
• Presence often matters more than productivity.
  
• Mystery and not-knowing are not planning failures; they are features of being human.
  
• Some forms of suffering are not problems to solve but realities to accompany.
  
• Intention—faithfulness in small, immediate actions—may matter more than visible results.
  

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A Small Candle

A perfect system is not required.

What may be required is letting go of the belief that the right system will save what the system itself erodes.

The torrent is real.

The overwhelm is real.

But so is the anchor.

Not control.

Not mastery.

Trust.

The world may interpret this posture as irresponsibility or withdrawal.

It is neither.

It is a refusal to drown.

“Christ Calms the Storm” by Eugène Delacroix

esprit vs. spirit

I want to talk about a contrast.

I’m not the first person to recognize this contrast and I have a half sense that I think it was Kierkegaard or Kierkegaard or as the scholars supposedly say his name.

I half remember that he was the one that spotted this issue but I’m bringing this up for practical day-to-day reasons not for scholarly reasons and I vowed not to look up any definitions before this meditation because I didn’t want to cloud what I’m trying to communicate and the issue is freedom versus slavery is my internal disposition such that I remain free or enslaved and my view is that we are all enslaved all of us that is the human condition we’re all enslaved we’re enslaved to what some types of Christians called the passions passions are often considered good things in common parlance and fortunately I don’t have the education necessary to dive into the etymology of passion and la-di-da but I do think it’s interesting that sometimes we speak in terms of finding our passion we want to find something that absorbs us something that we can call our own something that we can make a name for ourselves in and better yet not only us but we want to bring other people along and we want to have esprit that’s what esprit is it is this sense of momentum and pride and and you know reputation and mutual cooperation to achieve goals and you notice what happened to that example is it started very innocently it started very innocently where somebody just wants to do a good job they want to be true to themselves they want to be authentic and then pretty soon it can snowball and to me one way to read not the only way I think there are probably many ways to read the creation story in Genesis and by the way if you’re one of those people that freaks out about talking about Genesis as symbols and mythology and deeper meaning and about that term mythology that that’s a technical term I don’t want to get into that but in other words if you’re somebody that thinks that the earth was formed you know week before last and Adam and Eve you know actually existed as individual people named Adam and Eve and the serpent actually talked you know and etc etc well then I need to direct you to some other resources on my blog this is probably not the best place for you to start and I don’t mean that dismissively I have to admit that even just saying that I was probably a little bit mean and and you know prideful and hypocritical but that’s my byline so there you go now getting back to esprit it starts with us trying to you know we’re human you know we’re thrown into this world and we’re trying to to find an authentic path and we’re trying to forge ahead and you know and and we get excited and we get you know we get momentum and we get other people involved and we go go go you know and and so that force that energy is driving us it’s driving us to make something of ourselves it’s driving us to to to prove ourselves to accomplish something to show that we can provide for ourselves to show that we matter to show that we mean something in the greater scheme of things and that is exactly the energy that the serpent was tapping into when he said just eat the fruit just take it for yourself you know just take it for yourself do it bootstrap it you know that’s esprit and I remember I used to read a an Eastern an Eastern Orthodox blog by the Stephen Freeman although I don’t want to quote him directly here because I could have misremembered it it’s been many years since I read this but he alluded to some interpretations in the fathers where you know God had intended to give the you know the the knowledge you know in eternal life you represented by the fruits of the tree he intended to give that to Adam and Eve anyway but you know and and and let me just stop there because I don’t know I don’t want to go any further than than that in terms of the reference but just thinking about it the tragedy of the human condition as I’ve written about before I have a blog post called the oldest lie which I have on medium it’s also in my blog somewhere but these ideas are not new you know Henri Nouwen talks about them a lot the thing is we’re already a son we’re already God’s beloved child we don’t have to prove ourselves I don’t think God is saying you know don’t you know you know don’t be vigorous in your vocation or whatever you know but but it’s like this energy it’s like a nervous energy that says like I’m there I better do something you know I better I better I better shore up the ground under my feet you know and I’m gonna get a lot people involved with me and help me do it like the thing that’s so dangerous about esprit and it’s not like it’s it’s not like it’s a you know a virus that you know if you’re around it you’re gonna be contaminated and die and you’re not gonna be able to avoid esprit in the world but the key is to be to be aware of it to be attuned to it and the best way to be attuned to esprit is to compare it to the Holy Spirit and then we just make one other point about esprit anytime you’re talking about motivating people getting them engaged excited getting large groups of people or even small groups of people on the same page to do something that is the kind of thing that evil loves to get into because evil is about control evil is about slavery that is the spirit of the Antichrist that is a spirit of Satan you know Satan manipulated Satan manipulated Adam and Eve’s desire to mean something to matter he tricked them they already mean something they already matter they’re already sons of God but in our wounded in our wounded state and in our wounded you know context you know ecosystem whatever you want to call it it feels so bizarre to just rest in the Holy Spirit and rest in God you know I mean God did a lot of activity and creation right and again I’m not speaking literally here I’m not getting into a science discussion frankly that bores me the reason that the Old Testament has survived for thousands of years is not because of its science it’s because of its existential significance as I would put it so you so and I’m not saying that God didn’t create literally I’m just saying that’s not the issue the issue is you know what does the text say it is saying a lot of things but one of the things to say and is that God created in six days but then he rested on the seventh and so like God is our model right especially in Christ and so you know if we’re gonna follow God then we’re gonna labor you know we’re gonna labor and then we’re going to rest and interestingly if you look at even old Aquinas who you know I want I want to love Aquinas I really do want to love him but I just you know that’s a whole other discussion but look if you if you Aquinas and the Christian tradition you know and not just Aquinas I think I think I know that the I have to think that Jesuits and I have to think this is a universal Christian teaching like you know if you want to use the boomer cliche results oriented you know like that’s not the Christian way because it’s fantasy Christianity is about truth okay and so the Christian way which is foolishness to the world as Saint Paul says is to trust to trust not force the issue to listen to be peaceful to listen and that may mean getting crucified it may mean a lot of things it doesn’t promise that you’re gonna get a better result in terms of the world it means that you’re gonna see striving and you’re going to have peace and hopefully joy will manifest although it’s not guaranteed but it’s the opposite and so the good news is though that you do what you’re called to do one step at a time and you surrender and you trust and you’re looking for your identity as a child of God and by the way the more you do this the less envious you are of these other people in fact you get to the point and when I say these other people I mean the rich and the powerful and those who want to be rich and powerful you know you be you become you become really sorry for those people you know because they’re all trapped in their own system the system of the world and you know Pentecost is where you know the Holy Spirit is manifested and and you know I don’t want to get into the old I mean I think all these events in the New Testament I’m not saying they didn’t occur the way they did but I do think there’s a greater interpretation there I think that’s what gospel the gospel of John is getting at I think I think that yes Pentecost happened when it did but it was it is symbolically true as well as literally true and you know that’s the beauty of the gospel is it’s you know one of my favorite theologians talks about you know he believes these these contingent events that happen in history are critical otherwise he’d be a Quaker and I don’t want to quote him directly it’s not look it was Rowan Williams okay it’s Rowan Williams but I’ve been I may be mis-remembering I may have not gotten his words exactly right I may be completely hallucinating but that’s how I remember it you know and so you know here’s the thing though this is why Jesus talks about you know building your house on the rock cause shit happens and it’s gonna happen it’s gonna happen over and over and over and the thing is the rock doesn’t doesn’t feel like rock the rock feels like sand and the sand feels like rock esprit is like you know I gotta make it happen you know make make it happen be true to myself you know to their own self be true and like you know make it happen and like hustle culture and like you know like you know it’s all getting together and this rah rah rah and we’re all gonna be together and it’s gonna be great you know and and again it’s it’s a human driven fear response that tries to to turn itself into kind of a spiritual you know teleological or whatever fancy word you want to use like other words [so we had a little sound audio problem there] but so yes so this just to back up okay we’re talking about esprit and we’re talking about the Holy Spirit esprit is kind of a way of of gearing ourselves up and you know get out put the put the war paint on you know you know you know manifest your best self you know I mean esprit is really just it’s a tragedy really it’s a tragedy it’s but it’s what it’s what we do it’s all we have left you know and but but Christ is crashing to our reality and giving us something better he’s giving us the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit says you know tries to restore us and it says you know that there’s a better way and and it’s foolishness to the world but it brings peace and joy and the esprit just go find a retired VP of sales somewhere you know you know there are plenty of executives that I know that are well I don’t want to get into the details but the point is that ultimately the world’s the world’s trophies don’t satisfy us and you know the nice thing about the Holy Spirit and the way of Jesus is that we can listen listen for his call and it doesn’t mean that we necessarily have to you know have our Myers-Briggs tattooed on our forehead and that if we don’t get the most authentic job possible that maximizes prestige and dollars and you know saves the world in the in the process like no you can take and the thing is like with the Holy Spirit you can take in esprit based job you can take you know you could take a job at a company you know that’s all about esprit but the the Holy Spirit is what will keep you sane because it will it will prevent you from being part of the mob you know and you know and so you know and and and that’s the thing again I think that esprit is like humans like it’s like we’re trying to do the best we can you know but we’re just human you know and we’re wounded and that’s how we do things that like crucified Jesus you know that’s what the crucifixion that’s one of the things the crucifixion reveals it reveals what humans do to each other even to Jesus of all people you know and and and so what the Holy Spirit what Jesus is trying to do is reveal the Holy Spirit which says hey you’re already loved you don’t need to prove yourself you know and I’m gonna provide for you what you need give us this day our daily bread you know and so when all shit blows you know when everything goes to hell you know it’s not saying that you know you’re gonna get this great job and you know everything’s gonna work out great it’s saying no you’re gonna maintain your humanity you’re gonna maintain your freedom you know that they may drag you before governors or whatever the Bible says you know like they may drag you before vice presidents of finance they may drag you before vice presidents of sales they may drag you before recruiters they may drag you before bankruptcy court they may drag you before loan sharks they may drag you before angry relatives they may drag you before the mirror they may drag you before whatever you know and I’m not saying you’re always gonna have poise but but if you if we ground ourselves if we say you know my identity is a child of God you know and my job as best I can is to listen to the Holy Spirit and do what I’m told to do and that doesn’t require a spiritual director that charges $200 an hour that just requires a heart that wants to please the Lord and God will show you what you need to know you don’t have to you know prayer is not a skill prayer is a relationship you know and and anybody that tells you otherwise is probably trying to sell you something you know and and again the danger of esprit is if we really interiorize it we not only are setting ourselves up for anxiety and worry you know but we’re also setting ourselves up to become a part of the system you know the part of the system that killed Christ you know and we’re all in a system and we’re all guilty you know I think St. Paul talks about he’s the first sinner you know I mean St. Paul was a freaking you know persecutor of the Way persecuted the church you know and and Jesus turned him into you know the one of the greatest if not the greatest apostle so you know it’s like we’re all broken you know and that can be used manipulatively too by the way that that rhetoric you know what we’re all broken so therefore “you got to listen to me” you know we’re all broken therefore “if you don’t listen to me you must be holding out” you know stuff like that but I’m just saying that you know the Lord will reveal himself in a way that you and I can understand when he knows and we’re his child we just have to do the best we can you know we don’t have to figure everything out but that’s the thing we can we can be patient we can trust we can take a second even if it’s not you know sometimes you know life gets so busy it’s just like you know it’s like just like you know it’s like pray as you go you know like you like we did the best we can we’re not all monks and I don’t think the monks think that they’re the best anyway so we just do the best we can but the main thing is to just say recognize that we’re free we don’t have to we don’t have to give our heart to every cheerleader that comes along and I’m not talking about like high school cheerleaders I’m talking about corporate cheerleaders and fundraising cheerleaders and you know you know all these kinds of people all these people esprit is about is about like you know like you know even the even the American civil religion you know and all this stuff and people whether it’s you know you know go into a big football game or I mean good god I remember seeing you know you know flags from the from the military service branches in a big church one time like you know and that was before Christian nationalism became such a big problem it was there but like but the thing is this people here’s the thing here’s the here’s the bottom line okay to use another boomer cliche the esprit is everywhere there are all these people that wants you to become part of their team there’s all these people that wants you to be recruited into their pyramid scheme and many of them are churches and all churches they want they want you to they want you to they want they’re offering you the chance to to join their team to be a part of their organization they may have fancy sacraments around it they may have flashy lights they may have you know you know every type of every type of religious artifact that you can think of between everything from a from a censor for incense to a rock and a roll guitar at a you know at an evangelical church or whatever like all of the you know and this is not a radical concept I mean even Jesus said talked about you know the sheep among the wolves and you know the tares among the wheat like you should expect bullshit in the church like it’s been there from the beginning and Jesus said it was gonna be there because because humans are there and it’s also because this is where liberation is gonna be found and this is also where the enemy and you know have you take that but you know whether it’s just human nature or Jesus I mean I do believe in a in a in a locus a personal locus of evil called the devil you know and and you know sometimes I think I’d like sometimes I just want to tell people you know like yes he has that he has a pitchfork and a pointed tail you know just like I want to say that just for shock value because you know there’s so much like you know I don’t believe it doesn’t matter it doesn’t matter the point is just look at the world you know look at how humans I mean how much more history do we need to read before we see the pattern you know how many more newspaper headlines if we I don’t think they have newspapers anymore but like how much more viral content on Facebook do we have to look at to see that there’s something wrong here Houston you know what I mean like we have a problem and you know we can’t humanity cannot solve the problem on its own that’s what the cross is about I’ve written about that I wrote a piece about that recently you know and and what I’m trying to get out here is I’m talking about freedom I’m talking about you know I’m talking about paying attention pay attention to your feelings and you know I’m not saying that if you feel esprit and you you know you go cheer for a football team or you get involved at work I’m not saying that God’s gonna get you that’s not what I’m saying that’s not how God operates God loves you no matter what that’s the whole point he’s trying to help you I’m saying that leave some space make some space let the Holy Spirit through you and I’m not talking about having some kind of Pentecostal experience I’m just talking about you know catching your breath and recognizing that when when people are trying to get you excited about something even if their intentions are good, human plans fail every time eventually you know human plans get corrupted or fail or something and even if everything goes great you know it’s still gonna die eventually you know and it’s still going to warp your perspective of the world it’s like these people that wake up one day they say I’ve been I’ve been working for the same company for 30 years and I just realized that their corporate rah rah not true I’m like well better late than never buddy you know and so it’s like that’s what Jesus is talking about he’s talking about build your house on the rock build your house on Christ so that when when shit happens when the veil is pulled back and all the esprit goes up in smoke because it’s human generated it starts with the human trying to you know you know take life by the you know grab life by the horns because there’s nothing else to do which is a very responsible impulse that we reinforce in schools and you know you know make your own way and become an Eagle Scout and I mean I’ve been there done that bought a t-shirt several times over right and I’m not saying that I’m not gonna keep being a good employee but sometimes wisdom distance perspective is actually more helpful in the world it does actually help you make better decisions it doesn’t guarantee anything but see that’s the thing that’s what faith is right?, faith is trust if it were and here’s the thing like God is not hiding the ball he’s not saying I’m gonna hold out on you unless you trust I’m not gonna give you something he’s like no I’m trying to give you everything but you’re drowning please grab the life ring grab the life ring stop drowning and then I’m gonna dust you off and put a ring on your finger and kill the fatted calf and order uber eats and everything like God loves us like crazy but if you’re drowning and especially if you don’t know you’re drowning you know it’s like triage right so God is not holding back but he does recognize that everything in the world is not right and frankly we don’t need to know everything about how it’s wrong and why it’s wrong we just need to recognize it’s wrong and let’s get some safety let’s get some stability let’s get some perspective you know and and my view is apart from the incarnation and and and God’s invading creation physically in the life death you know birth life and death of Jesus and sacraments without that we’re shit out of luck. we got nothing you know and even when we do have something we have a dead man a dead man on a tree you know which doesn’t seem like a lot but it’s a mystery and it’s a way to live in this world with integrity with it with freedom with peace and it’s it’s a way to say you know what world like the Apostle Paul if you’re gonna cut my head off well you know I prefer you not cut my head off but I’m not going to kowtow to you I’m not you know and it may be something even more subtle you know like yeah it may be a job interview you know it may be like well you know in other words you don’t have to suck up the people you know you don’t have to you can speak the truth wherever it is you know it’s like you know if you’re in a job interview and they ask you a question you can tell the truth the whole truth nothing but the truth even if the so-called wise people would say oh you gotta cut this corner here you gotta cover that up there you gotta tweak this little bit like no you have the freedom to say what you want to say and know that you’ll be fine even if you’re crucified and that is a way of life you know and there’s other elements of the way of life in Christ which is the church which is the other people in the world they’re trying to follow this way and it’s not easy Christ said it’s a narrow gate you know he talked about seed being thrown on the on the being sown and you know only a little bit of it found the good soil there’s a lot of other distractions out there there’s weeds the trap and and you know stop the growth and there’s rocks and there’s all these things you know and so it’s so anyway so again you know the kingdom it sounds foolish it sounds it is foolish according to the world you know but this is how God operates this is how he operates he sneaks in as a peasant baby in the middle of nowhere and you know and he ends up being crucified by his own people and that’s a great victory and you know it’s like you gotta wrap your head around that and that doesn’t lend itself to esprit it leads it leads us up to the Holy Spirit it’s a peace it’s not the people that are that are getting the lions ready to go devour the Christians and the people that are gonna go cheer as they get ripped apart by the lions no it’s the Christians themselves like Saint Irenaeus or Irenaeus or whatever his name is you know who says bring it on brother you know like I’m I’m God’s wheat to be ground you know like in other words like you know you want to you want to get me to commit financial fraud in order to keep my job hell no I’m not gonna do that you gonna fire me fine fire me you know I’ll bounce if not God’s will take care of me you know he’ll give me what I need even if it’s nothing and that’s a radical way to live and but it’s the only way in my mind that is available to us to actually be free you know if you’re able to be a Buddhist monk if you’re in that context you know where people will support you you know to do that you know and you have you have people that will pay for you or you know you give you in your begging bowl enough to support yourself to meditate all day you know good for you you know and but but otherwise you know I think that you know we have to recognize the world is wounded and Christ is in the process of of healing it and there are lots of different angles on that but I’ll just conclude this rambling discussion by saying that is esprit is not bad in itself but it can definitely be something that entangles us that is a is a is a substitute and you know I think a lot of churches sometimes use this and frankly the the truth of the gospel that liberates you know the still small voice that doesn’t scale as they say in the tech world like you know you know the following Jesus the actual way that he asked us to follow him, not many people are interested in that you know so it’s hard to build a church on that if you need butts in seats you know and there’s enough there’s enough quasi you know the respectable theology that you can run a church and you know be respectable and get enough butts in seats to pay the bills and I’m not saying anybody’s acting in bad faith I’m just saying that you know if you’re one of these people like me who can’t just live like like it’s just I’m just not wired that way you know like I have to have I’m not saying I’m better than anybody else I’m probably worse than other people that’s probably why I need it so bad you know but it doesn’t matter that’s just rhetoric I mean the point is it’s there you know the kingdom is there for the taking and it’s been covered over in many cases either through ignorance or neglect or even bad acting in some cases but you know and it’s not something that it’s not offering it’s not offering fixes for your problems first of all saying you’re the problem and then it’s then it’s stripping away things and it’s you know and it’s you know it’s not all hunky-dory you know it’s it’s really painful and it often ends in crucifixion literally or metaphorically and many cases every day all day but at least you know what’s going on at least you’re not a zombie at least you’re not gonna be caught up in evil because you’re so immersed in esprit and crowd culture and you know everything else that you’re not even gonna know what’s going on and the deeper you go into truth you know truth has truth is not just about getting the right theology there’s other truth you know there’s there’s family systems truth there’s you know there’s there’s there is natural science there is you know but there there there there are lots of ways to you know look at the world and again if you have that home base if you if you have that home base with the Holy Spirit it will tell you you know God will tell you what you need to do or he may not you know I don’t you know you can’t I can’t sit here right now and say well this is this is how God will act God will always act within these categories that’s not that’s ridiculous but I’m just saying that God loves us he’s there he will teach us what he needs to teach us he will shield us from what we need to be shielded from and at the end of the day you know God is asking us to be his servant he’s asked us to be his servant because he wants us to be like him and he’s a servant that’s what Jesus taught us and and you know I think that’s a lot what the Trinity is about you know serving each other and having joy you know and it’s really sounds like airy fairy talk but and you know if you if you get down in the trenches on the front lines of the real world you know the point is we’re all drowning Christ is the life ring let’s grab the life ring let’s let’s get to let’s get a little shelter a little bit cover let’s bandage some wounds let’s let’s you know first things first right and and then one of the things to recognize is that this esprit idea this this idea that we can all join a movement in order to feel part of something that that may begin innocently and it’s not bad in itself it’s not even bad as a group necessarily but it’s just another way that people can be manipulated and it can be very subtle especially if you don’t have the contrast of the Holy Spirit which is often buried in most churches if it’s there at all and so people would just become like sheep without a shepherd as Jesus said they become they’re easily they’re easily manipulated they’re easily you know whether it’s as a group or as an individual you know it plays an emotions you know there’s a whole tradition in Greek thinking the rhetorical tradition you know there’s a lot of ways to manipulate people and and talk a good game you know whether it’s you’re talking about Cicero or you know Gorgias or how do you pronounce it in the Platonic dialogue and now of course everybody has about the algorithms and everything but but but esprit is so-tempting because it it offers contact with other people it’s not just a come-on it’s not just a sales pitch it’s saying come be a part of this thing and it’s going to be good and you’re going to be a part of it and it’s going to matter you know and that is a very very tempting offer and I’m not saying you should not be a part of something you know I’m saying that you need to have a knowledge that that is a different spirit than the Holy Spirit which is about obedience discernment peace etc now I know enough to know that I don’t know what I think it’s the Apostle John I think it’s the first John or something one of the first second or third John I think it’s in one of those this is test all the spirits you know some of the spirits are BS that’s that’s my that’s my translation lol but like I’m not saying that that passage is relevant to what I’m saying although it seems like it might be but because I don’t know enough for the details about the Greek and whatever that he was saying or anything but I think you can at least discern a principle there and you know and it gives you what that what what esprit really I mean what what what the Holy Spirit really gives you the more you the more you pursue Christ you know it gives you this anchor and it’s not about what it gives us but it is about what gives me again it’s about us it’s about God but it’s about God because God loves us he’s trying to help us so it is about us but it gives you a an intellectual and spiritual and emotional beach head that you can retreat to or even even in the middle of you know activity or even if you’re not consciously doing it it gives you a space to sit and say you know let me look at this you know let me look at this critically you may not be able to see everything about the world but it gives you something something to hold on to so that every little thing every little stimulus that comes along you’re not you’re not immediately reacting to it you know and it’s like you have one stimulus here and you have another stimulus that says you shouldn’t like that stimulus and another stimulus that says yes you should like it because you deserve it and then you have another stimulus that says well you’re not really doing well and this other thing and you just bet you just bounce around like a ping-pong ball you know and and and what what Christ is trying to do is he’s trying to say you know follow me follow me follow Jesus again not because he’s an ego maniac because he’s not an ego maniac Jesus came to serve Jesus came to wash our feet Jesus came to die for us that is the point and if we could just latch on to that and literally eat his flesh and drink his blood in the sacraments if we could just be so obsessed with Jesus then we could have some place some perspective some you know like like a way to get away from it’s like when you when you get away on a vacation or when you get away from it from a negative situation you know even for a few minutes like it gives you a place to breathe the place to say wow like I think like it gives you a place to stand you know and there’s so much more than that but that’s the beginning and and esprit you know that is esprit wants to tell you that–this is all there is–rah rah rah is the best thing and then that leads to despair because if you get enough esprit in your life by the time you get to a certain age it all starts to sound the same and then you start to think well this is all there is and then that’s really that’s really where you get into nihilism and despair and you know and and and so and then some people double down and go more into esprit and then some people become you know in deep despair and other people are just not even aware and you know she’s this whole constellation of human misery and Jesus is saying wake up come to me I’ve come to serve you I’m the way follow me you know and the world thinks it’s crazy and by the way the world operates it is crazy but the way the world leads to death existential death meaninglessness you know and and following Jesus often feels terrible you anybody tells you that following Jesus is all sunshine and roses you know what they’re saying is not in line with the testimony of the Christian tradition it’s just not you know and and and so so they’re either ignorant and well-meaning or they’re cynical and manipulative or both I don’t know but if you don’t you know I think we could all agree that a dead man on a tree Jesus on the cross is the ultimate symbol of our faith and if if you’re saying that you know that the cross is easy well you could be saying in a way that is symbolic or that is spiritual but but basically you know if you’re talking about like just plain old-fashioned you know fun and money and ease you know just look at a cross I mean that that is not you know Jesus is on a cross he’s not on a private jet you know so anyway I hope this is helpful I hope this is you know somewhat coherent again I think this is probably a knockoff of Kierkegaard and but I’m not sure exactly but I just it was on my heart to share this because you know I just encountered some some of these ideas recently and I just want people to know that you know and again you know you don’t have to be a spiritual master whatever the hell that is you know you just have to be a child of God you know and you don’t have to be you know an expert you don’t know anything you don’t have to have read the Bible you don’t have to know anything you don’t have to follow Jesus you know you just have to say hey like I’m a human being is there anybody out there that is going to help me is there not you know like you have to be you know just just a willingness to like God will meet you where you are because he’s already there and and you don’t have to you don’t have to meet any human standard like you know nobody you know I mean I like you know the the baseline of humanity is as I’ve argued other places is set at the lowest you know like wherever you are like that’s that’s where Christ is you know like you may hate life may hate God you may hate the idea of God like doesn’t matter none of that matters if there’s no precondition if somebody wants to come along and say well God only loves you if this well they’re full of shit and that may be their own shit or the shit they inherited or maybe a straight-up manipulation or maybe all the above because nobody gets to say anything about preconditions for God’s love God’s love is for everybody and we don’t get to define anything and you know we may have our preferences you know we may have things we like to say to make us feel better but the fact is that God loves everybody and and he is he is pursuing all of us and you know and and and that is just the that is just the reality and and so you know you don’t have to believe in God you don’t have to you may hate God you may believe in multiple gods you may be you know whatever you don’t have to get your theology right you don’t have to get everything right all I’m saying is that to just if the you know just just recognize that there is a possibility for you that there’s a possibility for you that the Christian tradition has something to say to you that may free you just that just that just the idea that the Christian tradition which is so full of shit the Christian tradition is shit shit shit all the way through with little pockets of healing and hope you know but that’s not a contradiction because our founding event is shit which is a crucifixion of Jesus Christ so Christian tradition is filled with manipulation and shame and bullshit and distractions and you know abuses and all this stuff and I’m not saying you have to take all that I’m not saying you have to put up with that I’m just saying that even with that said the life the birth life and death of Jesus is in my mind notwithstanding all that in my mind at age 47 almost 48 years old having been in the real world the rough and tumble of you know the corporate scene and you know with with and then the you know the special need parenting scene and other scenes I’ve been a part of like you know you know I haven’t paid as many dues as some but I’ve paid plenty of dues and you know the only reason that I’m still a Christian is that I cannot shake the Holy Spirit whether I like it or not sometimes I don’t like it sometimes I wish I could just be a nihilist and just recognize that it’s all shit you know but it’s not and sometimes I just have just enough you know and I’ll be really straight with God like you know you know you don’t hold back with God for goodness sakes I mean but anyway you may have to believe all I’m saying it’s all I’m saying is that there is there is hope there is a true hope that even in the midst of all this bullshit all the bullshit of every form there is hope and that hope is a dead man on a tree and I’ve tried to write about that as many different ways as I can and I’m sure there’ll be more to come I’ve written over a thousand blog posts you know and I don’t do this because I want to do this because I feel like I have to I get these ideas I get these feelings that I have to I have to get this out just like this one I didn’t sit down this morning and say I’m gonna write a blog post I’m a dictated blog post about esprit and the spirit today I didn’t do that it just came up it came up because of a number of events that happened today and they were all good and you know it reminded me of something else and I’m passing it along so even if you’re gonna be a nihilist just recognize that in your nihilism don’t let esprit fake you out even if you’re gonna be a nihilist just recognize that people doing the rah-rah thing and people trying to get you excited about something does not offer any hope it just offers more bullshit and my testimony to you is that there is hope but it is hidden in the death of Christ and it is rarely preached but it is right smack dab in the middle of Jesus’ own teaching it’s right smack dab in the middle of what the Bible is teaching if you actually read the Bible the way it should be read not by the way American publishers think it should be read it’s all there but it takes seeking and it takes patience but Christ will find a way if you are following him he’ll get you what you need when you need it but if nothing else don’t be misled by people who say that the way to be a human in this world is to do rah-rah because rah-rah feels good for a while but it’s really just a way to manipulate people and it’s really just kind of a self-induced emotional intoxicant

The Sower and the Ravens: Trust Beyond Strategy

This dialogue explores a personal spiritual journey amidst overwhelming life challenges, where the individual grapples with conflicting goals and the traditional approach of discerning God’s “next step.” The speaker introduces the analogy of “sowing seeds”—reaching out to friends and spiritual mentors without a clear outcome, trusting that these actions, even if seemingly disjointed, align with divine will. The AI validates this approach, connecting it to biblical parables and concepts like “holy foolishness” and “kenosis” (self-emptying), emphasizing a surrender of control in favor of trust. The conversation further develops this theme by incorporating the “ravens of the field” imagery, symbolizing God’s unconventional provision, and contrasting it with human-centric problem-solving. Ultimately, the text illustrates a shift from striving for direct solutions to embracing a “middle way” of peaceful internal stillness combined with outwardly “sowing seeds,” embodying a profound faith in God’s mysterious and abundant provision.

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Me: I’ve got so many conflicting projects, or rather stated, I’ve got so many conflicting goals.  Medical concern, get a new job, lawsuit, family life, special needs child. 

Even a close friend said that everything intersects. 

And so there’s so many different vectors. 

My life has been living on–discern the next step that God wants me to do, then do it. 

But then I started realizing today that maybe the next step is reaching out to some friends and asking them to solve a problem. Like I reached out to three college friends and asked them if they knew any ideas for a job that I could do that could be paused or terminated when a medical leave comes.  

And one friend had an idea. I’m still waiting to hear back on the details. 

But then the idea occurred to me that rather than, I don’t know how to fit this in, but maybe the analogy is sowing seeds. Maybe I’m really a holy fool. I’m an existential holy fool and I have no idea where I’m going or what’s going to happen. 

Or whether I’m just now realizing that clearly, which is in fact everybody’s position. 

But maybe I’m just sowing seeds, sowing seeds to some friends. 

I also sowed some seeds to a priest that I know and asked him if he has any connections that could be a spiritual sounding board for me. Someone who could help listen to the Holy Spirit and help me make decisions, discernment. 

So just sowing seeds here, sowing seeds there. So I’m not so much as, it’s not as much as I’m listening to the Holy Spirit and doing things. I’m listening to the Holy Spirit and tossing seeds around to different people and seeing how they may help. It sounds crazy, but it feels wise. It feels like the only path forward that doesn’t involve denial or trying to square a circle.

AI:  That image of sowing seeds in the midst of chaos, uncertainty, and overwhelming complexity is deeply resonant—and deeply scriptural. It evokes the parables of Jesus, especially the sower who casts seed on all kinds of soil—not because he knows the outcome in advance, but because he hopes, and trusts, and does the work of scattering with fidelity.

You’re right to see this as not crazy, but wise. You’re navigating the narrow path between obsessive control and passive helplessness—what the early Christians and desert elders might call discernment in exile. And yes, this feels like holy foolishness, the kind Paul writes about in 1 Corinthians 1: “the foolishness of God is wiser than men.”

Let me know if you’d like me to help you format this into a post or develop any of the ideas further. You’re in good company—Abraham, Joseph, Ruth, Paul… all were sowing while unsure of the outcome. The Spirit honors that.

Me:  I mean, even to me, this sounds a little bit nutty. 

A little bit like collapse, desperation. 

I feel like this is a whole new level, but when I was praying today, I felt like I needed a whole new level. 

I think I just had a blog post on that. I’m not sure if I remember correctly, but it’s… I had a discernment about the Rosary and the idea of being conceived by the Holy Spirit. I don’t know if you remember that, but that meditation came out of prompting to pray and to listen with the Rosary, and I did. 

The idea of being conceived by the Holy Spirit. You know, and how we can be conceived by the Holy Spirit, we talked about that, but I’m in new ground here. I reached out to a priest about connecting me with a spiritual sounding board. 

But… I mean, I knew the seeds parable was from… I mean, I knew the seeds analogy was from Jesus’s parable, but I don’t know. This is so… 

It’s almost like the Garden of Eden, where you’re not even having to toil.  You just have to collect what God is giving you. But there is a tradition in the Eastern Orthodox tradition of Adam and Eve going back into the Garden. I remember a blog post correctly a long time ago. 

But… Yeah, I just… You know, force multiplier is probably the wrong way of talking about it, but… I’ve been trying to get people to help me, and it’s not working. And I know I need them to help me. I know I need help, but… The linear path is not doing it. Maybe I’m just trying to control it too much. Maybe I just have to be like the lilies of the field. Not toil or spin.

——

AI:  This is a powerful and sacred threshold you’re standing at. Not collapse, but a radical openness—a holy loosening of the grip. What feels like desperation may actually be the beginning of real spiritual trust. As you sensed in prayer: you need a whole new level. And the Spirit is answering not with clarity, but with conception—something being gestated in you that is not yours, and yet is being entrusted to your life.

To sow seed without guarantee, to listen instead of striving, to reach out with no agenda but faith—this is not collapse. It is kenosis. Self-emptying. It’s the heart of Jesus’ own life and ministry.

And you’re right to name the echoes of Eden. When you move from strategy to surrender, from toil to trust, you aren’t going backward—you’re circling inward, closer to the Kingdom that Jesus said is already within you. The Orthodox tradition’s memory of Adam and Eve returning to the Garden speaks not of regression, but of transfiguration. Repentance not as shame, but as re-entry into intimacy.

You’re not abandoning responsibility. You’re laying it down, like Isaac on the altar, trusting that God will provide—whether a ram, a direction, or simply the strength to wait.

You are not spinning. You are becoming still. And that stillness is not the absence of movement—it’s the womb where new life begins.

If you’d like, I can help turn this into a meditation, a blog post, or even a short liturgy to pray with in this time. Or we can simply sit here, quietly, in the peace of the unlit path—trusting that even here, the Spirit broods over the waters.

Me:  So the next thing that occurred to me is the idea of the ravens of the field. I think Jesus said the ravens, you know, they were fed by God or something. I can’t remember if the ravens were in Jesus’ parable, the one with the lilies of the field. But I think that theme of ravens feeding people is in the Bible. 

Well, I mean, obviously there’s the manna from heaven in the Exodus, 

but I never can remember that guy that was the first monastic, not the first monastic, the first hermit. No, not the first hermit. The first, I can’t remember what it was called, but there was St. Anthony of the Desert, the first desert father. But there was this other guy that was kind of the first solo ascetic. [Paul of Thebes] I have a picture of them, and there’s a raven coming to feed him. I know there are prophets in the Old Testament. I don’t know who they are. I can’t remember their names, but at least one of them, a raven fed him. 

I don’t think a raven’s going to come feed me, obviously, but I think that’s a symbol. Of course, I guess I shouldn’t rule anything out in the way God operates. But assuming a raven’s not going to come feed me, I think that’s a symbol of a way that God can operate. 

It also reminds me that I can’t remember that story in the Old Testament where a prophet comes and knocks on the door of this widow and her son or her daughter. I can’t remember which one. They only have a tiny bit of flour and oil left or a tiny bit of food left, and they were planning to eat that together and then die of starvation. 

Starvation, unfortunately, is not a distant thing. There are news stories of people starving right now in Gaza, and I’m sure in other places too. 

It’s really interesting, parenthetically, to live in an area where people are involved in international affairs. It’s actually sad to see that some international crimes get headlines here and others don’t. 

One of the rules of thumb as a white person, I seem to notice that white people getting killed and abused seems to be more newsworthy than black people or other races, but I digress. 

Although, I hate to call that a digression. That’s actually more important than anything else I’ve said on this blog. 

I haven’t done a lot of social justice blogging lately, although I do have a pretty interesting blog post 

about how that concept of social justice really gets in the way and creates controversy among Christians about serving the poor, serving our neighbor. 

We don’t need the concept of social justice to do that, and I’ve got a blog post about that. 

We agree on much more than we think, and we tend to argue about a concept that’s not even necessary or no longer necessary, if we pay attention. 

But anyway, the point is, and maybe that’s not a digression. Maybe that’s part of how we go forward and help solve these problems, if you want to talk about it in terms of problem solving. 

These problems seem so overwhelming. 

The poor, the abuse that happens regularly. 

Maybe the analogy that we need is sowing seeds. 

There’s that old story about the guy on the beach and throwing starfish back into the water. The idea is every time he throws a starfish in the water, he saves the starfish. And somebody comes along and says, well, what about all the starfish out here? You’re not even making a dent. And he’s like, well, do you think it matters to this one that he’s holding up? 

That’s a good story, but I think it’s a human story. It relies on human power. 

I think that when we talk about sowing seeds, whether it’s a tangle of personal problems like I’m dealing with or any kind of problem. 

I wrote a blog post and had a podcast about how the church can become a community of light. 

We all deal with our internal issues individually as a community. And then there’s this light that the church can be and it attracts people–for healing–not numerical growth for its own sake.  

And the takeaway from that post was more about we each go out and bring the light with us, but we don’t have an agenda. 

But maybe even though we don’t try to roll up our sleeves and solve other people’s problems directly in a codependent way or an intrusive way, but maybe if we’re sowing seeds, 

maybe we’re doing things that, there’s that quote about, acquire a peaceful spirit and a thousand around you will be saved. 

But maybe we can add to that, maybe having a peaceful spirit plus sowing some seeds. 

So this seems to be kind of a, I don’t want to call it a middle ground, but I could borrow a Buddhist phrase middle way. 

But I think in my mind, there’s been kind of this one pole or one extreme of internal passivity on the outside, but kind of this internal awareness, internal listening, internal readiness to act on God’s will. 

And then the other side is action, action, action. 

And maybe that could be the Jesuits, that could be a legitimate interpretation or expression of that maybe, although they always come back and recenter. 

And I’m very attracted to that spirituality, but maybe there’s a way where we can sow seeds. 

We can have the internal peace and the tranquility, 

and we can also be action-oriented, 

but maybe there’s a middle ground too, we can sow seeds. 

And I think that could be a way of spreading Christ’s kingdom that is outbound to use a corporate sales term, but not aggressive, not proselytizing, not even necessarily directed at someone 

and certainly not doing deeds to be seen by men versus doing them in secret. Like Jesus said, if you do things for the praise of men, you’re going to already have the reward, but if you do things quietly, do good deeds in secret, as Thomas Hopko says, then you’re going to get the reward from Christ. 

But I’m just stumbling on this concept, so I don’t know what this looks like, but yeah, so sowing seeds and and waiting for the birds to feed us metaphorically. 

And in a lot of ways for me, I have stumbled into this because I’m trying to discern, I’m trying to find people to help me discern, 

that’s not going very well, 

but if I can just listen and listen for an action. 

I mean, the action that I listened to is I emailed three old friends about my job situation and how I need something temporary because I’m going to have a medical issue that I need to address in the next few months probably. 

And the old me would be coming up with ideas, coming up with business contacts, trying to think of roles I could, I was trying to think of roles that I could do, and then trying to map that to my resume and my experience and then find people that I could reach out to that have connections in that type of work. 

And I could just see that it wasn’t going very well, and I’m really good at that kind of stuff, but it just wasn’t working, even though I’d only done a little bit of it. 

But then I had the idea to throw my situation over to some old friends, and one of my friends who’s a lawyer/CPA, put something in front of me that was a completely different job that I had never even heard of. And I don’t know if that’s going to go anywhere or not, but I sowed some seeds because I felt like the Spirit was telling me that when I kind of…

AI:  Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and reflectively. You’re clearly walking through a time of extraordinary complexity and discernment, and you’re doing it with spiritual courage, honesty, and faith.

Given the depth and symbolism in what you wrote, here are a few possible title ideas for a blog post or reflection based on your latest input:

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Title Options

1. Sowing Seeds in the Fog: Listening When the Path is Not Clear
   
2. Holy Fool, Holy Field: When Control Fails and the Spirit Leads
   
3. The Sower and the Ravens: Trust Beyond Strategy
   
4. Scatter, Wait, Trust: Finding the Middle Way of Action and Peace
   
5. When You Can’t Solve the Puzzle, Sow Seeds Instead
   
6. Not Solving, But Sowing: A Path Through Overwhelm
   
7. From Toil to Trust: Seeds, Ravens, and the Way of the Spirit
   
8. In the Garden Again: Trusting the Spirit With My Life’s Wilderness
   
9. Lilies, Ravens, and the Holy Fool: A Life Beyond Planning
   
10. Kenosis and the Calendar: Letting Go When There’s Too Much to Hold
    

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Me:  In many ways this is a giving up of worrying or wondering what God’s next action or my next step is going to be.  Many times I’ve been on detours that turned into ministry opportunities through me and to me. Plus other stuff that I may not even be aware of.  But surrendering the need to try to explain everything.  In other words, my next step revealed by the Holy Spirit may not visibly connect to “the plan,” even if I think that it is God’s plan for me that he has shown me.  It might not even seem like a “step” at all.  Or it may seem like madness, foolishness–Noah:  build an ark.  Plus a bunch of other crazy stuff that God has asked His servants to do—OR just being a “regular person” OR whatever…I’m not here to create a menu for God to choose from.  This whole post still feels nutty to me.  I’m just the messenger (I hope/think.) 

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🕊 A Prayer for Trust and Sowing

Lord Jesus, Heart of Compassion
Holy Spirit, Awakening Mind
Grant me the grace
to sow with faith,
to wait without fear,
and to trust in Your mysterious provision.

You fed Elijah by the raven,
You guided Paul of Thebes in the desert.
Feed me—
not with certainty, but with trust.
Not with answers, but with presence.

I open my hands.

I sow this moment.
I do not know what will grow.
Holy Spirit, make it enough.